The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
