So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
