I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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