i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
