this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
