if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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