you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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