When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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