I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
