Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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