just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
