I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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