i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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