hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
