you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
