If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
