We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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