ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
