it was like his penis was on wheels.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
