i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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