we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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