planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
