if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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