yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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