She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
