based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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