I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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