How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
