The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
