sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
