you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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