Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
