the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
