i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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