Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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