he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
