your parents love me but you hate me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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