it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
