he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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