bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
high people should be assigned attendants
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
