There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
