I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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