This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
