just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
