i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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