I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
