Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
