i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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