Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
