Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
