where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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