Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
