Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
