apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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