I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
