I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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