just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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