Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
