I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
