We won't sleep together?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I still have a little drunk in my system
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
